| Monday, November 16th, 2009 |
| 2:29 am |
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2008 |
| 8:25 am |
tangled
the same struggles that call on a journal entry to help me make sense of it. Or at least see it written down to look at helping things to become clearer. I'm destined to find some contentment. At least, I hold out for it. Continue to plodding on.... I mean, what else can you do?? |
| Friday, December 21st, 2007 |
| 2:54 pm |
what now?
I already know the answer but still ask the question. Its the inner fight of wanting to and knowing I shouldn't. Heart over mind equals conflict. Should I email a girl I'm no longer seeing and wish her a merry christmas? Answer is no. It will give the wrong signals. I would like her to miss me and she probably does but there is no point in writing to her when I feel this way. Its not about wishing her a merry christmas, its about reminding her of me. Sure I still think about her but hey, can't help that. Its not Teri, just incase you wondered. I'm not that stupid. O well, I guess its time to move on. No looking at her profile. I did a few days ago. She called me a few weeks ago, and told me she was having guy trouble? ? why would I want to know? I just told her I wanted her to be happy then blocked her. I have my own things to deal with. I don't want to be the shoulder to cry on. She stop trying when we were together, at least it felt that way ......then, so did I. sad. She meant a lot to me. |
| Monday, March 12th, 2007 |
| 8:30 am |
last night.
Last night I had a visit from an old demon. I saw teri across the road when I was back at my old house. Saw her with someone else and she came over to me. I could actually talk to her. She then asked me if I was seeing someone but I didn't want to tell her. I am feeling better about things but it has taken a long time to feel this way. I really didn't like going through what I did but its the past now. It needs to remain there. Current Mood:  calm |
| Sunday, February 25th, 2007 |
| 9:13 am |
now........
I need to be without any thoughts for some time. Right now is not a good day. I'll be ok though. In time. |
| Thursday, February 8th, 2007 |
| 12:17 pm |
sometimes.
Sometimes I find myself looking out for her...... something tells me she doesn't get the same train anymore but I still sometimes look. Not completely comfortable about going home yet. Don't really need to at the moment. I think maybe I have put too much on her. It wasn't as good as my stupid memory tells me. I deceave myself to think it was something, it was close to what could be and I guess it gave me an idea what it is like to truly be with someone. I won't punish her for it but I don't know if I will ever see her again. When I saw her last I just ignored her. Wonder how I would feel if she did the same to me. Truth is it would or might crunch me at the time. Thought I saw her this morning and it always seems to make my heart jump. I haven't completely let go but if I don't then I will never move on. If you spend so long looking at the doors that have closed you miss the ones that have opened. sometimes you get so blinkered you don't even think any door is opening. Our lives will move on and at least I can say I never went with someone. At least I can see. She can't. Do I miss her? Sometimes I do. I saw so many qualities in her but sometimes its just not meant to be. |
| Friday, January 26th, 2007 |
| 6:50 pm |
am I.
what were you looking for? what are you looking for? Did you ever me did you ever see what are you searching for? |
| Monday, January 22nd, 2007 |
| 7:53 am |
incomplete.
I only see, what I want to see but I'm wrong, so wrong. Then you tell me, everythings ok but you're wrong, so wrong. You tell me you don't, know what to do so you spin your wheel again, and land on something new. Did you slip away or did I push you there is there someone left to have or do you even care. |
| Tuesday, December 19th, 2006 |
| 6:18 pm |
I wish
Soon I'll be in a new place, my own place. Soon I won't have to wonder how easy it is for you to move on. Why do I even care? A question I keep asking. Maybe I keep asking because this is the kind of character I am. Hate will stay with me and do more damage to be then the person I hate. I don't hate you though. I just don't understand you. I have wasted so much energy on this. I guess sometimes I just fall hard. I'm weak. |
| Monday, December 18th, 2006 |
| 1:16 pm |
the true strength.
the true strength of character is questioned when you are knocked to the ground. Its time to question my character. Events can hurt but if you are true to yourself then you will eventually be able to carry on without the regret that you wish you would have don't things differently. Maybe I have some regrets, but I would rather wake in the morning being who I am than someone who liked and cheated. Lost 'it's not about who you are, it's about who you aren't'. Can I cope with you being happy and moving on see easily? Not sure I can but I would still rather be me than you. Because I would never do what you have, it's harder for me to understand. All I want to go is not be reminded. How is that possible when all I need to do is wake in the morning to know your just across the road. I'm counting down the days until I move. Its not that many when counting down from 3. If you are happy, then who am I to take that from you. I'll find my way again and I am starting to find where I was before. I'm starting to be me again. I'm happy with who I am. I just wasn't happy with who I was around you. If you can't trust someone you shouldn't be with them. I cant trust you, I can't be with you. |
| Sunday, December 10th, 2006 |
| 7:13 am |
today U got..................
Today I shook a sweet machine and got a free Alpen health bar. Bad - good + Shake machine - health bar + = level. No harm done there then. Everything seems to be moving around me and I seem to be going in slow motion. This is my choice. I move to my new house new week which is going to be a definate good thing. For now though, I'll just past the time. Thats all I can do. |
| Tuesday, October 24th, 2006 |
| 7:53 am |
an idea.
I would like to be able to say hi without thoughts of where we were circling like buzzers waiting to pull me apart. I would like to ask you how your day was without seeing how we use to be reflected in your eyes. I would like to forget the past without tremers that reminds me of the uncetainty of my new foundations. I would like to completely let you go but there will always be a part of me that belongs to you. All I want to do is eventually say hi. Current Mood:  restless |
| Sunday, October 15th, 2006 |
| 6:16 am |
my reality
My Reality Who's this man I am is this really me? Time is taking time, it's taking it from me. If I'm falling, will I ever land. this empty shattered life, isn't what I planned. We only fall so we can breath again, if we stay back when, this will never end. So I'll let you go, I'll even move away, Somewhere you can't find, somewhere you can't be. It's so easy, you take only what you need but when your looking back ............ |
| Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 |
| 10:47 am |
Tuesday.....
I'm at work....... I look around me and see everyone doing what they're meant to be doing and somehow feel like I'm part of an ant farm. Even then, as part of that community, it works together. I don't want to be part of this ant farm. I desperately need change. For the chance to go somewhere and start over, I would. It's not always that easy.....whats stopping me? I feel at this time in my life I should be looking to settle down. Not run away, or so it would seem. If I can keep looking for a house maybe then I'll feel more settled? Right now its ground hog day.... Its not all bad, but its not all good. I keep so much locked away because it has no purpose in being explosed. I guess its time for me to join the ants. I guess its feel to feel dead inside. It's not all bad, but its not all good. |
| Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 |
| 7:45 am |
sleeping thoughts.
When you awake with the comfort of her next to you, Only to question was she really ever there, Where everything is a remainder and little makes you forget, When you question the lies to find the truth was lost, What does it mean? I ask questions without want. I already know. I'll wait for this time to pass, I'll wait for the sense, I'll try not to hate, and soon I will mend. Hey there, Could I have the little piece of me you took, Or did I loss more than just you? Or did I have you? Or did I want you? Actually, keep it all, lose it, throw it away. The past has gone but had its say. And so the story goes, and so the pages turn. Where was I............(before you)..............aaaahhhhh..i c..... ...............................? |
| Wednesday, July 5th, 2006 |
| 2:46 pm |
some people
Why are still people only in it for themselves? I walk hand in hand with you, alone. I wish you could see the person you really are. At least I don't have to be you. |
| Friday, December 30th, 2005 |
| 11:02 pm |
fracture.
It's possible for a building to be crumbling on the inside. People passing by without a care, thinking everything is ok. I love you but how many times can I do this? Where are you tonight? With someone else? I'm letting you go, maybe I pushed you away, either way its still the same. If you are with someone else then doesn't that mean your head will be really messed up? I was meant to pick you up tonight, I waited for your call but never got it. Maybe that says it all. Current Mood: sad |
| Tuesday, November 8th, 2005 |
| 4:51 pm |
thoughts.
That which you believe to be true may one day become false with the lines of time. That which you hold dear may grow to be the bonds and break you. That which you have taken the time to encourage and grow will one day turn and show you it's once hidden contempt. That which you believe will grow to question. |
| Friday, October 21st, 2005 |
| 12:39 pm |
Where the sea is calm.
I'm where the sea is calm but thats not my way, If the storm won't come to me then I'll be there soon. Is it my choice? Yes, now watch it unfold. |
| Monday, July 25th, 2005 |
| 5:47 pm |
hmmmm
Baby, it's been a long time coming, such a long long time. And I can't helping smiling no I can't stop now. Maybe I thought so hard with emotions because there was something that just wasn't ready to let go. I've spend the last few days with Teri and its been really good. We seem so much stronger than we have ever been. Sometimes when I shut my eyes I can see her smile. Finally happy? I think so. I won't pretend everything is roses just now but its good. We'll just have to see what happens. Current Mood: happy |
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bacchaeuk's journal